Latest Entries »

Wicked games

I don’t even know how to start this out or how to word this, all I know to say is, “what the fuck…” I woke up this morning and was instantly being attack over something, and it just continues, yet you expect me to act like everything is okay and to just go along with it? I don’t know who you think I am, but I can tell you that isn’t me. I’m getting tired, oh so tired. You’re so into sex that I don’t even know how to address it. It runs your life. I’m quite aware I have my own problems, however you need to take a step back and assess the situation with yourself. Just because you have a degree in therapy and social work doesn’t mean squat about yourself. You still have your own demons you need to work out. The aforementioned doesn’t make you immune to having issues yourself. More importantly, if you believe it does, you really need to take a look at yourself. You act like nothing could ever be at your fault, it’s always got to be someone else. You’re an interesting person, and at this point I’m finding it more and more difficult to continue moving forward.

How possible is the impossible?

“Love will never betray dismay or enslave you.”

-Mumford and Sons

 

     What are the chances that someone will find their “soul mate”? The odds are really, really high. So what exactly is a soul mate?

 

“A soul’s ideal counterpart, which must be found for true happiness and fulfillment. The search for the counterpart may consume multiple reincarnations.”

Credit

 

     How lucky am I that I found mine? February 21, 2011 he found me. Instantly we clicked, as if we had know one another for a long, long time. Something like love at first sight. The more and more we learn about one another, the more we realize we have in common. To be honest, I’m nervous because I’ve let my guard almost completely down, and leaving myself extremely vulnerable. It would have taken most people months to get me to disarm my guard like he has. There is one word to describe him: “Perfect”.

 

     My mind is constantly on him, and we’re already making plans to be out on our on and such. To be completely completely honest, I’m scared. I’ve never been on my own before, and even with him supposed to be there or whatever, it’s still scary. He could change his mind at the last minute…Also, I’ll have to establish something before he arrives, and then I’ll be alone. The sad thing is, the cost of living in North Carolina is so high, that I don’t know if I can afford something amazing…and that worries me because it seems like he’s used to having a lot…and I’ve never had a lot. I’ve obtained all my necessities living with my parents, a home, food, clothes, and some wants.  There is just so much to do…we’ll need furniture, pots and pans, ugh so much to think about…and I’m scared…

 

     On another note, I had a long reflection when he went to sleep earlier. I was telling him about bittersweet memories, and later I realized, they’re not bittersweet memories, they were training me to love him properly and the way he should be loved. I know it’s early, but still…no time like the present. I just hope he can offer assistance with this process…I know I’m very independent, however I’ve never experience being away from my parents for long periods of time…and this time it’s going to be permanent…

 

This video fits perfectly with all my mixed emotions. I love how music can always explain feelings perfectly.

Just another day…

“The sun sets, darkness comes, then the day begins anew…”

-Lulu

 

So the weekend was completely unproductive for me. I started going back to a website that I used to use a long, long time ago. Stickam TM is a place that I’ve met a lot of really cool people. I’ve met some new people this past weekend, and one stand out more-so than others. His name is Anthony, and he seems to be a really nice person. We seem to have a lot of interests in common. Which is nice to build a foundation for friendship, and maybe something more.

 

I also watched a REALLY good movie Sunday. It’s called “Julie & Julia”. I thought it was supposed to be funny, but it was actually kind of sad. Sad smile

Never-mind me…

Woe is this game we’re playing. Should I stick around for more? Snap your fingers; I’ll come running. Then I’ll leave when you’re bored with me…I’ll make it easy…

-Maria Mena

 

     So, I yet again find myself in turmoil with relationships.  I can seriously, and honestly say I gave this relationship my all this time.  I gave him unconditional love, I gave him affection, I gave him sex, I even took care of him when he was sick…as much as he’d let me.

 

This video basically sums up exactly how I feel.

 

     After a long discussion, we decided, yet again, it just wasn’t meant to be. So, again I feel life of singledom. I don’t like it. Such is life. Not much I can do about it. Blah :\

Stardom…[edited YouTube link]

“If anyone else had this, they’d trade it.”

-Nicki Minaj

     When boredom strikes, things happen. Sometimes creative, and sometimes negative. Because of this, I decided to start working on a song a month ago. I wouldn’t called myself an artist, or even a great singer, I just do it out of boredom and I enjoy singing. I always tell people that you don’t have to sing well, you just need to have fun. Nevertheless, I did. It took almost more than a month, but I did my own version of my favorite song, “Your Love” by Nicki Minaj.

     With that posted, I can honestly say that Nicki Minaj is a very talented woman. I took apart her song to see just how she did it, and she had many harmonies and layers to make “Your Love” sound as good as it does. I, however, and no Nicki Minaj, but I can safely say that  it isn’t horrible. Also, artists that uses auto-tune, they have to be able to sing before the auto-tune correction is implemented, or it makes them sound so much worse. Just a bit of FYI.

EDIT:

     I’ve had someone ask for my song as a ringtone, so I completely re-did the entire song and finished it with the complete ending. I never thought I’d get the positive feedback that I have. Thanks for the support! Smile

Another day, same issue…

“Why is it that you can only see the worst in me? I swear, sometimes it feels like it nurtures me, but to keep it all in hurts me. I could say I’m done with it but it lurks in me. So I guess I’ll just tell myself that it works for me…”

– Nicki Minaj

Why do two people get married if they know that shouldn’t? Why is it that people do stupid shit like cheating? If you know that just one person cannot satisfy your needs, then why sign a contract saying I will be with you, and only you, until death do us part? Sometimes I really don’t think people think things through. If marriage means nothing to one person involved, then why make the other person suffer by you not caring? Sometimes loving someone means allowing them to leave.

“Here I am…here I am…talk to me as I am…”

-Nicki Minaj

In other news, Nicki Minaj is finally going to London and Paris! She’s been wanting to for a while, so I’d assume that she’s happy. I’m not sure when, but she deserves a good vacation, for she’s been working really hard lately on music videos, and she also tweeted about being in the studio for something. And it was LATE. Which is odd for her, because she likes recording during the morning and day hours. So I’m just excited for whatever kind of surprise she has for her fans. Smile

“I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her. I’m right over here, why can’t you see me? I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the one you’re taking home. I keep dancing on my own. You can’t see me standing here; I just came to say goodbye…”

-Robyn

Also, Jon said he had a really good day today, that nothing sad came his way. That makes me happy. He deserves a good day. He’s been telling me for a few nights that he still has feelings for his ex and that it’s been bothering him. I told him that I believed that he should try focusing on his classes, his friends, and me. It makes me sad knowing that he still has feelings  for his ex…I just hope that he’s ready for another relationship. I don’t want to see him hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt. I know he cares for me…gah. Maybe I just need to step my game up so he knows just what he has. That sounds like a good idea. Time to do some Google work. Smile

Scars to show, hearts to break…

“My weakness is that I care too much. The scars remind us, that the past is real. I rip my heart open just to feel…”

     So, I met this wonderful person, and we have seemed to really clicked. He’s so intelligent, so beautiful. I love how his mind works, well about 95% of it anyway. He’s so interesting, so…amazing…

     We talked before and it didn’t end so well, due to some mishaps on his behalf. He has this thing about polygamy…and I just don’t believe in it. I’m just so worried that he can’t love me because he will want someone else…and even more I’m afraid that I’ll end up like my mother…stuck in a relationship always being cheating on. I really don’t want that…

     I really like him, I’m doing things for him, and compromising…I just don’t know. I really want to keep him because he has such a wonderful personality, and he’s so beautiful…and so sweet…loving…caring…

     I can honestly say that he knows more about me, and I feel completely open and secure with him. I love that…Also he is the first person I’ve ever made love with…it’s the best feeling in the world…I can honestly say I feel like I’m in love…and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world…

1/14/2011

Save me…

“This time won’t you save me? This time won’t you save me? Baby I can feel myself giving up…giving up…”

     So today was the worst day I believe that I’ve ever had…ever. I never thought that my own mother would ever try to kill herself…I mean, as much crap as she has taken from my dad, the thought has been entertained if she’s ever considered it, but tonight she actually attempted. She drank so much alcohol, that she was having seizures. I’ve never seen her so down and out. This…really has hurt me. It’s even making me question my will to live. I cannot continue to live this way with my parents. I just wish I had enough money to buy my mother a nice house, and allow her to be happy. However, in reality, I know that I cannot. I have no job…no significant other…no money…no life…all I do is sit here at home, with nothing do but watch over my grandmother.